If all women were like mobile phones you could:

1. Choose the package that appeals to you most
2. Pick the size and features you really want
3. Cancel them immediately when someone steals them from you
4. Upgrade to a newer model every 12 months
5. Accessorize and they wouldn’t complain
6. Set to vibrate at all times and then…
7. Switch to silent mode when they do your head in

So why did I find that funny? Yeah, I know it’s crap isn’t it. Am I just being stupid but why would a woman complain if you accessorized. But sometimes shit stuff makes me giggle.

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I’ve been reading an interesting guide on how to date a stripper by Flashy over at openzine. Here are the top tips he gives in his dating a stripper guide.

• Befriend the dancer first. Most dancers dislike the managers and have their favorites among the bouncers. If you befriend the dancers first, you don’t have to worry about being one those “creepy” pals of the manager.
• Don’t ask them for their phone numbers or real names right away. Let them give it to you when it’s the right time. Give them yours instead.
• The best chance of dating a stripper is when you meet them outside the club–at the gym, a concert, the store, etc. As has been said, some strippers won’t date any customers; some strippers will ‘hook up’ but not date a very attractive customer, and some strippers will occasionally date a customer they find attractive.
• Don’t be drunk at the club where she dances. Dress nicely and make sure you smell good.
• If you are having a relationship with a stripper, stay out of the club she’s in. Jealousy tends to rear its head, even though the stripper is on the job and needs to do the ‘hustle’ in order to get an income. She may also feel jealous if you flirt or purchase dances from other strippers. The last thing a stripper needs is relationship issues coming into her workplace.

Find out more about how to date a stripper here

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follow me on twitter

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What could they have been looking for and what else may they have found:

The New Girls

Sarah and Jo giggled while Rachael and Ellie squirmed at the feeling of the beans in their underwear and felt the cool sauce trickling down their legs.  Sarah continued to waffle to the girls while Jo put the empty bucket down out of the way; she then picked up another bucket ready to give the two newcomers another treat.  As Sarah waffled, Jo sat the bucket down beside Rachael; she dug a hand in and picked up a big handful of the chocolate rice pudding.  She took hold of Rachael’s bra easing the right cup away from her breast and depositing the handful of dessert in the, replacing the material as Rachael squealed and shivered at the coldness of the mix as it covered her right breast.  Jo dug her hand into the bucket again, enjoying the giggles from the girls and giggling herself at the view of the two girls bulging messy panties as they stood on either side of a very clean Sarah.  Jo stood up, with another pile of the rice pudding in her palm.  She pulled Rachael’s left bra cup away from her breast, this time noticing a little smile on Rachael’s face as she dumped the pudding in and replaced the material.  Rachael giggled, the thick mess felt nice on her skin, and the giggles from the girls increased as Rachael’s bra turned from pink to a chocolatey-brown as bits of the mess slid down her tummy.
Ellie knew what was coming next, and sure enough, as Sarah continued to waffle, Jo put down the bucket down beside Ellie and dug her hand into the mix again.  She lifted the handful up to Ellie’s chest, and pulled her right bra cup away from her breast, dumping the cool rice pudding in as Ellie squealed.  She replaced the bra cup and picked up another handful of the stuff as Ellie shivered with the coldness of the pudding.  The second handful to her right breast was no warmer as Ellie squealed again.  She had a trickle of the chocolate rice pudding running down her tummy.  The giggles of the girls continued as Sarah still acted as if nothing was happening and Jo continued to stifle her giggles.  A chocolate rice pudding covered hand was hastily clamped over her mouth only resulting in more giggles from the watching girls.

WAM – wet and messy

Our view of WAM is focused on wet and messy clothes and panties – not on pictures of models.
Our preference is for wet and messy clothes and panties.  We find it erotic and sensual.  That is why in our videos you see a lot of panty and ass massage! We are WAM addicts! So, you won’t see faces in our pictures or videos but you will see SOAKING WET PANTIES, PANTY- LINES, MUDDY PANTIES, AND FOOD POURED AND SMASHED INSIDE THOSE BEAUTIFUL PANTIES. Oh, yeah, we do have close-ups so you can see and enjoy food gushing out of panties right between the legs.

Food to Get Their Knickers Off

Salmon and Scallop Roulade in a White Wine Cream Sauce with Caviar
Salmon fillet wrapped around a scallop; shallots sauted in butter; add 1 cup of wine and boil for 2 minutes; then poach salmon – 3 minutes; add cream and bring to a simmer. A rich appetiser that will get you an even richer dessert.

Baked Wild Mushroom Fettucini
Cook fettuccine until al dente. 1C soaked dry porcini, 1C any wild mushroom. Saute in butter and add soaking liquid. Simmer 5 minutes. Add 1C cream. Add to pasta and bake covered 5 minutes. Tuscan flair in the kitchen will be rewarded.

Butter-fried Cod on Savoy Cabbage and Bacon
Finely chop 1 small leek, cabbage and bacon. Fry bacon, add veg and butter. Cook but keep crisp. Add 1/4C cream. Lightly fry 2 cod fillets in butter/ground Black pepper until just done. Place on veg. Simple, down-to-earth cooking will be replicated in the bedroom.

Freshly Shucked Oysters Aux Naturelles
Shuck 1/2 dozen, bed on ice, squeeze of lemon. That’s it. Get your own bearded clam soon after

Oysters would do it for me every time, yum. As for the custard knickers there doesn’t seem to me much out there at all. I was very surprised. I did enjoy the gunge story though and couldn’t help getting a little turned on.

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First of all let me explain a bit about my adventures with custard.

For those of you who have not tried this as home, the summary of my experiments goes like this.

Custard:

• surprisingly good lube,
• not too sweet and sickly to lick off,
• less painful than candle wax as you can choose how hot you have it,
• if you’re using some kind of plastic sheeting it all gets a bit slippery and is quite difficult to have sex once the custard is everywhere.

Rice Pudding:

• makes and OK lube but be prepared to keep finding bits of rice for a while,
• not to sweet for licking off,
• less painful than candle wax and the bumpy texture feels good as it dribbles across the clit,
• like custard it gets slippery if your using plastic sheeting, but wrestling is fun.

Good now we are all up to speed with the merits of custard and rice pudding in the bedroom.

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And I suppose minging cum is another consideration.

My answer the the question spit or swallow? Gargle!

As long as the cum is not rank, in that case if I’m taken by surprise I most definitely spit. Then in future, I’d tell the guy how sexy I’d find it if he came all over my boobs.

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I mean really the day that someone starts a group announcing that they are a fan or crap sex, no sex then at least that would be something unusual.

I think that I’m going to start a fan group for breathing -  I mean breathing is quite fucking awesome, don’t you agree?

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The new iPhone however has the potential to be turned into a very enjoyable sex.

Read about the iPhone sex machine here and read more about the iPhone sex machine here.

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